What are your emotional bus stops?

What are your emotional bus stops?

What on earth do I mean by your emotional bus stops?

Sometimes it feels that we can go from 0 to 60 turbo-powered and end up reacting in a way that isn’t helpful to us. In my blog post ‘Take The Power Back’, I talked about taking the power back from our emotions and I introduced a tip on how to do that. It’s important for us to know what’s happening when we’re overreacting to an emotional stimulus. It can really trigger us into doing things that are not helpful.

What are your triggers?

Have you ever snapped at your partner, really taken their head off?  Or you’ve reached for a glass of wine or chocolate biscuit before you even knew what you were doing?

Reached for a glass of wine

I know it’s happened to me.  We usually don’t have a lot of time between the trigger and our response or reaction.

The point of the emotional bus stops is to stretch out that process, so that we’ve got more time to notice what’s happening and then choose to do something different … literally get off the bus!

What do I mean by get off the bus?

It’s down to this breakdown of our mind/body connection.  We’re living in a time where we’ve put so much emphasis on cognitive ability, our intellectual ability, that we’ve drowned out all the messages that our body is sending us … it’s talking to us and sending us little message all the time.  When you start to slow down, maybe do some meditation or some mindfulness, that’s when you start to tune into those messages again.

We’ve stopped listening!  I liken this to an insistent toddler!

Toddler

Imagine you’ve got a toddler beside you, tugging at your leg when you’re trying to have a conversation with someone.

“Mum, Mum, Mum.”

You carry on your conversation, they don’t get a response, the tug gets a little bit harder and the voice gets a little louder.

“Mum! Mum! Mum!”

Still no response and then suddenly,

“MUM!”

Or even worse …  a full-on tantrum in the middle of the supermarket.

Are you ignoring your body?

That’s essentially what’s happening to us when we’re not listening to our body.  We are ignoring the whispers of “there’s something here needs your attention.”

When we don’t listen, our bodies respond with some scary symptoms; heart racing, feeling scared, panicking, feeling sick, feeling nauseated, headaches or feeling out of control.

What we need to do is slow down that process.  We’re going from zero to 60 on turbo boost, we’re doing all the bus stops before we’ve even noticed.  We need to slow down and notice some of those other messages that we’re so, so skilled at blocking out.

Notice the messages

It’s time to practice slowing down

The messages are still there, so we can reverse-engineer it, but it takes practice.  You’ve been really practiced at doing it the way that you’re doing it, so to change it, you have to unlearn it and practice.

It’s just about raising awareness at this point.  The way I do it is I think to myself

“Okay, well there’s a response that I wish I hadn’t had and I’m going to forgive myself for that.” 

It might not be in the moment, it might be later on when I’m reflecting on the situation.

I need to think what happened right before I reached for the chocolate biscuit.

  • I was feeling really under appreciated.

That caused me to feel a real heaviness in my chest.  Then I think, ‘what happened before that?”

  • Before that, I had sweaty palms, or I felt a flush of heat.

I can’t give you your combination because everyone is different.  Maybe you felt really stressed or angry.  What happened just before that?  A flush of heat or tingling?

Take the time to get off the bus

The point is that the more you notice the things that happened before the really scary symptom, the more you’ll notice them in the future.  In essence, that slows the whole process down for you and gives you the chance to get off that bus before you start doing things that you don’t want to do.

Let me know how you get on.

And if you would like help then click below to contact me for a Breakthrough Session.

Take the Power Back

Take the Power Back

Have you ever stopped to consider what your emotions actually are?

Emotions start off as a physiological response to a stimulus or trigger. They are something that you feel in your body and it’s the description that we give that feeling in our body that is the emotion. We can have different feelings and we equate them to different things.

If you’ve ever felt held hostage by your emotions, then you’re going to love this. My clients often tell me that if they just could get until on top of their emotions, if they could control their emotions then they’d be able to take the right next action to achieve their goals.  If they weren’t such emotional beings, then they’d be able to achieve their goals.

If I wasnt so emotional

What happens when we’ve got that physiological response?

We’ve given it a label and then what tends to happen is that our brain or our self-talk starts getting involved and sometimes that’s not good.

If we go through the process using stress as an example as that is something most of us have experienced:

  1. something happens, there’s some sort of stimulus or trigger.
  2. we have a physiological response in our body somewhere
  3. and then we say, “I’m really stressed”.

What does it feel like when you say “I’m really stressed or I’m stressed”?

For me and what my clients often tell me when I ask them is that it’s scary. It feels like they’re out of control. It feels really panicky and there’s nothing they can do about it. “I’m really stressed”, and past history dictates that this isn’t going to end well.

I’m going to cover how to get out of that cycle in a future post so look out for that one, but what I want to cover here is just a little bit of magic to try and unhook this a bit for you here and now.

Instead of “I’m so stressed.”

I'm so stressed

What about if we changed it to “I seem to be experiencing stress.”

I am experiencing stress

What’s different about how those two feel?

Can you choose the emotion you are feeling?

The biggest difference is when I’m all stressed this is happening TO me. It’s happening TO me and there’s nothing I can do about it.

When I say I’m experiencing stress, it’s something that is happening inside of me for sure but it’s not happening TO me.

It’s not my whole identity. I have choice.

Im experiencing stress

When I’m stressed, I don’t have any choice and there’s no getting off the bus.

When I am experiencing stress in a calmer way, I can choose, and I can slow things down. I can notice I’m experiencing stress and think “What am I going to do next?”

It’s as simple as that. The feeling’s the same, it’s just the escalation in our negative self-talk can be slowed down, and when you notice that instead of saying “I’m really stressed”, say “I’m experiencing stress”.

Slow Down

Get playful with it, try it out and let me know how you get on.

If you would like to find out more about coaching others on their emotions, mindset and making a real difference to their lives, join me at Coach School.

Coach School

And if you would like help on changing your behaviour to change your results then click below to contact me for a Breakthrough Session.

What to Change to Change Your Results

What to Change to Change Your Results

Coaching is all about getting results. It’s about changing something so that you can get different or better results and so how do you do that?

I’ve heard lots of different answers to that question. I’ve heard

  • change your behaviour to get different results,
  • change your thinking to get different results,
  • change your environment to get different results or
  • change everything to get different results.

 

Sometimes it can be quite difficult to change your behaviour or change everything and actually all we can do is change small things.

What to Change to Change Your Results

Thinking, Feeling and Body Language are all connected

One thing that really excites me is understanding the relationship between what we think, how we feel about it and our body language.

All of these things are connected, and I think we’ve lost a lot of the mind body connection. We put a lot of focus on intellectual ability and cognitive ability and that’s stopped us from realising that our thinking, feeling and body language are linked.

When you do know that they’re linked it can be really powerful.

Think of a Yellow Lemon…

Let me see if I can explain this. If I say to you think of a yellow lemon, what happens?

What to Change to Change Your Results

The vast majority of us think in pictures, so if I said think of a yellow lemon, most of you will have got a picture of a yellow lemon in your mind. Some of you may have smelt it, some of you may have got the taste of it, some of you may have got more than one thing, you might have got the picture and got some saliva happening in your mouth.

Let’s assume that you got a picture of the yellow lemon, you probably also got a feeling as well.  Your feeling might be eugh lemon or it might have been, mmm that’s refreshing, oh yes, that reminds me of holidays or something.

You get a feeling, maybe a joyful feeling maybe an eugh feeling but a feeling nonetheless, and the other thing that you might have noticed was in order to access that picture of the yellow lemon you might have shifted your body position or your eye position.

Accessing memories links to body language

Now this is where I think things are really interesting because the way that we access memories, stored experiences, pictures in our head is by the way that we use our body.

If you were thinking about something that made you sad, you probably noticed that your eyes go down, maybe your shoulders come forward.

If you wanted to access something, a memory of a time when you were really excited and really happy, you’ll notice that your eyes actually come up and your shoulders go back.

Sometimes it’s almost imperceptible but you’ll tell you’ll be able to feel little shifts, maybe in your face or your shoulders, head, your eye position.

That’s because what you’re thinking, that stored experience, the way you feel about it and your body language are all absolutely linked. If you change one, the others must change.

What to Change to Change Your Results

I get very excited about this because it means that I can do really cool things like I can make you like things that you don’t want to like, or I can make you not like things that you like a lot and would rather not like by changing the picture in your head. But that’s a little bit advanced for this blog.

To change your results, change your behaviour

It’s important for you to understand that if you want to change your results then you need to change your behaviour and your behaviour is the result of this relationship of how you store your experiences, what you feel about them and your body language.

What to Change to Change Your Results

Knowing that, the easiest thing for you to do is probably move your body. If you find yourself in a situation where you really want to change the results that you’re getting and you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed at the thought, shift your body into a position where you don’t feel overwhelmed anymore. It’s really really difficult to access sad or overwhelming feelings and memories and experiences when you’re smiling and waving your arms in the air.

This is something that I want you to play with. I want you to get playful with it.

Access those different experiences with a smile

It was my gran who first introduced me to this. My dear Nana and she used to say to me when I was sad

“smile until you feel better”

Well, at the time I just wanted to punch her in the face. But actually, it’s true because that physical shift in my face was enough for me to access different experiences which meant a different feeling, which meant a different behaviour.

If you want to change your results, play with that relationship between stored experience, feeling and body language. It will change the actions that you take and that will change the results that you get.

Let me know how you get on.

And if you would like help on changing your behaviour to change your results then click below to contact me for a Breakthrough Session.

Do you know what you need to do?

Do you know what you need to do?

Do you ever know what you need to do, but somehow you find every reason or excuse on the planet not to do it?

I do that all the time!  AND I know WHY I do it, but that doesn’t stop me.  Do you know how frustrating that is!?! I mean I can tell you that I want [insert result here – more time, more money, less fat, whatever it is] and then I go into this pattern of making excuses in my head.  I…can…actually…hear…it – those imaginary devil and angel characters playing out in my head!

Sometimes I just make a cuppa and watch.  Those are the good days, on the bad days, I get suckered in and begin believing the devil type character.

Well, I’m going to share the misery and tell you why you do it too, and then I’m going to ask you a question, ok?

You see as humans we’re not designed to stand out.  It all goes back to when we lived in tribes and there was safety in numbers. If you were outcast, well that was the worst thing that could happen to you, right? You would be all alone when you came up against that predator, or ran out of food.

So when we try to make a big change like losing weight, or getting a promotion, or starting a business, or entering that talent competition our ancient instincts go into overdrive to try and get you to stay exactly where you are…where it is safe.  And the other voice in this argument is the logical brain.

Now if you think of your instincts as a strong-willed 2 year old, and your logical brain as the smart professor then you can probably begin to see how this is going to end, right?  Have you ever tried to out-logic a strong-willed 2 year old?…

It’s unpredictable at best.

How do you weigh the odds in your favour then?

Well what I’ve discovered is that the DISCOMFORT of staying where I am needs to outweigh the discomfort of taking that next step.

Do you know what to do

 

I remember when we were shipping overseas to start a new life on the other side of the world. I lost count of the number of times that people said I was so BRAVE.

Brave?  Brave? Are you kidding?  I wasn’t brave. Brave to me would have been staying where I was when I knew I was unhappy.

The discomfort of staying where I was FAR outweighed the potential discomfort of making a mistake.

Which brings me to another common reason for not doing what we need to do – fear of failure.

Why are we so afraid of failing?  When did we learn that failing was a bad thing?  Was it at school? I honestly couldn’t tell you, and besides that’s not actually the important part.

The IMPORTANT part is changing our relationship with failure because it’s actually not that bad.

And the more I fail, the more I do.  In fact, my aim is to now FAIL FAST because I truly believe that there is no failure, only feedback.  I am an experiential learner – everything I have learned, I have learned by doing (and more often than not, by failing).

Feedback

 

We need to ditch this idea that we get one chance at things and realise that we have infinite chances provided we don’t give up!

So let me ask you…

What are you WILLING to do to get that dream?

And if that dream is to make a living from making a difference and you need some more help then click below to contact me for a Breakthrough Session.

Timing is Everything

Timing is Everything

I’m a firm believer that anything is possible…. …but it has to be the right time.

Let me tell you a story…

I’ve had a long push/pull relationship with body image like many other women.  I’m not sure when it started, probably in my teens, and since then it’s been pretty much ever-present.

Sure, I’ll rationalise it – I even wrote a book about it!  And in that book I talk about priorities and how even though we may think that we are chasing weightloss, what we are actually seeking is something even more important and connected to our core values.

And I stand by that 100%

But at some point, the priority always swings back to me wanting to lose a few pounds.

To make it stick though, the timing has to be right.

And that’s the same for anything.

But how do we know if the timing is right?

That’s the tricky part.  Because you see, we are designed for the status quo – to stay exactly where we are!

We have this ancient fear centre in our brain that is actually running the show, and whenever we want to change something, whether it be losing weight, starting a business, entering that talent show or going for promotion.  Whatever it is, your fear centre is going to kick in and give you a dozen reasons not to do that thing, for every one reason you can come up with.

The way to tell that the time is right for you is when the discomfort of staying where you are is more than the discomfort of what you need to do to change it.

Until then, that fear centre is likely to win through.

When the balance shifts the other way and the pain of the status quo seems too much to bear, then everything becomes so much easier.

The Right time to make a change

 

Oh, and by the way, the shift happened for me about 3 months ago and I am pleased to report that I am 20kgs lighter now than I was then!

If the discomfort of not making headway in your life or business is becoming more uncomfortable than taking a leap and doing what you know you need to do, then get in touch and let me help you through the process.

The Magic of Giving Yourself Two Years

The Magic of Giving Yourself Two Years

Clients ask me all the time, ‘How long will it take to be a success?’ Now of course, I can’t tell them. But what I do say is that when I got really serious about my business and knowing truly, deeply that it was how I wanted to live and make my income, I committed to showing up every…single…day for two years. It was the bargain I made with myself.  If, after those two years, I could not see a way that my business could be the success I dreamed for it, then I would walk away, knowing in my heart that I had given it my best shot.

Shifting Focus

Because up until then, I had had one foot in it, and one foot in my corporate career. Which meant that every time I got the entrepreneur blues (and we ALL get them), I would just shift focus to my career for a while.  Every single time though, I would get restless again and crave my coaching business, my writing, my teaching.

For me, giving myself those two years to make it work meant that I could release a little pressure of replacing my income and the scarcity mindset that would create.  It gave me permission to stay in my day job and use the income to invest in my business. It gave me the focus to create my own rules in what would work for me, around my commitments.  And it gave me the confidence to step up because now I had a deadline.

Create your own rules

 

The First Two Years

And over those two years I worked hard, I took clients in timezones that meant I could meet them early in the morning before I went to work, and later in the evening when I got home.  I wrote, and wrote and wrote when I was stuck in hotel rooms for work, rather than socialising, and I spent many of my lunch breaks on discovery calls, meeting with my coach or listening to webinars.

After the two years, my business wasn’t generating my day job income by a long stretch, but I knew it was time to let it go.  I had some health issues that my day job was not helping with, and I was likely to need surgery. My parents were also coming over to New Zealand from Scotland and I had no annual leave left to take while they were here for 6 weeks (which would turn out to be the last time I saw my Dad in person).  The internal pull to walk away was immeasurable, but it was so damn hard to walk away from that paycheck. (I used to call my day job my ‘golden handcuffs’. )

I remember making the decision and sitting in my kitchen just letting the tears come.  That was when I knew things had shifted.

And scary as it was, I am so glad I did.

The Next Two Years

I am now 2 more years down the track and my business is thriving.  I am working on a couple of opportunities that are also both 2 years in the making and will be the biggest and most exciting offerings that could catapult my earnings beyond my wildest dreams.

Without the patience and persistence that I have learned from my ‘2 year experiment’, these seeds would never have even been planted.

Let your business flourish

 

I have since shared this with many of my clients, and they too have prepared themselves for what seems like the long haul at the time, but often flies by.  And I am thrilled to report that many do not need to use the whole 2 years to build the momentum they need for their successful businesses, but they are prepared for it.

How about you?  Did you give yourself a couple of years to get your business off the ground?  Or, are you at the beginning stages and wondering how long it will take?