How to find the space in between

How to find the space in between


Let’s start by talking about all-or-nothing thinking, or maybe black and white thinking.

All-or-nothing thinking is where you believe there will be a catastrophe if something you do is not perfect or something doesn’t happen the way you want it to.

I don’t do all-or-nothing thinking…do I?

Every month I have the privilege of teaching at the Foundations of Healthy Living Retreat, a four day retreat for self-discovery and it’s one of my favorite things to do.

It’s very clear, every month, when I’m standing in a room full of ten new people that this idea of all-or-nothing thinking is extremely prevalent because these people come from all different backgrounds with all different levels of experience in personal development and almost all of them do all-or-nothing thinking.

All-or-nothing thinking is one of the most powerful and damaging cognitive distortions that I come up against.

So what is it?

All-or-nothing thinking is that if/then thinking, you know, IF this happens THEN that will happen or IF it doesn’t happen THEN that will happen.

Some examples might be :-

  • IF I don’t stick to my healthy eating regime THEN I am a complete failure or THEN I am fat, ugly, useless, worthless.
  • IF I don’t get report in on time THEN I’m going to get fired.
  • IF my launch doesn’t attract seventy new enrollments THEN it’s a complete failure.


It’s actually quite a quick movement from, “if I don’t do this small thing” to “I am worthless” which is ultimately where we end up. It can be incredibly damaging.

So if you see yourself in that kind of pattern of thinking whatever your if/then statements are, then you might be suffering from all-or-nothing thinking.

What can you do?

It’s not helpful to be stuck in either of the all or nothing camps.

What I do for the participants of the retreat and for my clients that I notice are stuck in this pattern of all-or-nothing thinking is help them to find the space in between.


How do you find the space in between something that is so concrete in your mind?

Well, I get them to scale and what I mean by that is, if one end of their all-or-nothing thinking, if the black end of their thinking is a zero on the scale then the other end of their thinking, the white end, is a ten on the scale that means that there is a lot of space in between.

So I get them to describe what 1 looks like, what 2 looks like, what 3 looks like, and so on.


So if you find yourself suffering from all or nothing thinking, or black and white thinking, then try and find the space in between by scaling. Take one end, make it zero, take the other end, make it 10 and describe what the steps look like in the space in between.


Mindset & Message Mastery will provide you with the tools to understand what is getting in your way, on your way to success. It will help you connect the dots to Confidence, Clarity and, most importantly, Clients.

Are you focusing on the right things?

Are you focusing on the right things?

Here’s an experiment for you. What I want you to do right here right now is to look around the room that you’re currently in or the space that you’re currently in and I want you to notice everything that you can that’s blue.

Do it right now. I want you to look around the room that you are in and notice as many things as you can that are blue.

How many red things did you see?


So what’s the point in this experiment?

Well the point of this experiment is that what you focus on expands.

What you focus on, you will find more of, so when you’re looking around the room and you’re looking for blue things, the blue things are going pop out at you and everything else will fade into the background.


Why is this important?

Well,  it’s really important if you are trying to achieve a goal because if you’re not focused on your goal then you can become distracted by all the other colors.

When you stay focused on your goal then you will pick up all the things that are going to help you to reach that ultimate eventuality.

It’s really cool to know this stuff.


Rocks in the road

I remember when I was learning to ride a motorcycle my instructor saying to me,

“Eyes up, look where you want to go. Eyes up, look where you want to go.”

That advice saved my life on a number of occasions. When you are learning to ride a motorcycle, every so often your eyes drift to that rock you see on the road and you start looking at the rock and you know what happens? You ride your motorcycle into the rock and then fall off your bike. Because you’re focused on the rock, you’re being drawn towards it. Target fixation.

But if you keep your eyes up and look where you want to go, you will just guide the bike around the obstacle and you’ll keep going on to your destination.

Now goals are exactly the same. When you stay focused on your goal then you will notice less the problems that you’re going to come up against and you start to elegantly find ways around those metaphorical boulders in your road.


So remember, what you focus on expands….


Are you focusing on the right things?


Mindset & Message Mastery will provide you with the tools to understand what is getting in your way, on your way to success. It will help you connect the dots to Confidence, Clarity and, most importantly, Clients.

3 Common Coaching Myths…..busted

3 Common Coaching Myths…..busted

I’ve been in the coaching field for 11 years this year, and over that time I have witnessed the growth of both the industry, and the myths that surround it.


My passion is coaching, and I want more people to embrace it both as clients, and as coaches, but I also want them to enter into coaching with their eyes wide open. I have been challenged by my friend, client and colleague Debbi Carberry to become more vocal about the truth about both coaching, and the online business of it.


Since I know that a number of my subscribers are coaches, or are planning to formalise their coaching at some point, I thought it would be useful to address some of these myths.


Here are 3 of the most common myths I see regularly:


3 Common Coaching Myths


Myth 1: You need to be an expert to coach

One of the things that I come up against whenever I am talking to people about coaching is that you need to be an expert in your field in order to be a coach.


This is absolutely not the case. In fact, you could argue that you can actually coach better if you are NOT an expert in the field that you client is looking for develop in.


How so?


Well, coaching is a set of skills that are not ‘context dependent’. That means that you can apply the same skills in ANY environment, in any context.


How does that work?


Well it works because at the heart of the philosophy of coaching is that the client has all the answers.


When you truly believe this, and work from this place, then you use the skills you have to elicit those answers from the client.


This has an interesting result for the coach and the client.


First up the client – when they embark on a coaching experience, it’s because they need help to find the answers so they expect their coach to tell them what to do. What actually happens is that their coach will help them to come up with their own solution which is far more compelling for the client.


What happens for the coach is a little different…


When they are not required to know the answer, but are confident in their ability to elicit the answer, there is no pressure to have to know anything other than the core skills of coaching. This is why even brand new coaches can get amazing life changing results for their clients.


So, this myth is BUSTED. You DO NOT have to be an expert to be a great coach.


Myth 2: You can’t make money as a coach


Aah this old chestnut.


Well the short answer is yes of course you can make money as a coach, otherwise the industry would have died many years ago, when in fact it continues to grow.


What might be a truer statement is that some coaches find it hard to make money.


With coaching being such a client led process and each client’s goals being unique, it can be a challenge for coaches to communicate their value in order to attract clients who pay well.
It can also be challenging for coaches, who are inherently ‘behind-the-scenes’ people who just want to help, to step up and promote themselves and their services.


But I have found this to be true in all ‘helping professions’.


The bottom line is that you need to DUC to make money from coaching…


    • Discover the results of your coaching
    • Understand the value that it has for your clients
    • Communicate it in a way that they can connect to

Is this myth busted? I would love to say it is, but I may have to concede that for some, it is busted.


Myth 3: Everyone can benefit from coaching

The final myth for today is that everyone is coachable – or everyone can benefit from coaching.


Sadly, that is not the case.


In order for coaching to be effective, the client must WANT to change. That’s why some coaching in organisations is less than effective.


If you have someone whose manager has sent them to be coached and they haven’t chosen coaching for themselves, then they may resist the process and therefore not get the results that they could otherwise.


That is why it is so important to pre-qualify your clients.


You see the best clients get the best results, so the best clients are the ones who are really motivated to change. And as their coach, you cannot want it more for them than they want it for themselves.


Time after time I see coaches, particularly new ones, settling for any client to work with and then being disappointed in the results of the relationship.


Instead of realising that the client wasn’t coachable, they begin to question their skills as a coach.


It’s a tricky catch-22 and the way out is to be very selective about your clients.


Don’t hunt them, you need to hire them.


You need to work out who the very best and most motivated clients are that you can help and position yourself for them so that they can find you, rather than attracting clients that are simply not coachable.


So this myth is busted – not everyone can benefit from coaching.

Why the time to act is NOW

Why the time to act is NOW

I don’t know about you but I’ve been on the receiving end of some pretty fierce sales calls in the past. I make an enquiry and before I know what has happened my credit card is melting and they won’t let me off the phone until I have made a purchase. It feels pretty horrible and I always tell myself I’m never going to do that to anyone else.  So I don’t.

There is psychology behind the pressure that is applied to us by salespeople, but I think it is misunderstood. If you understand this psychology, you can have sales discussions in a more authentic way, which is what we want to do as coaches or service providers.

I had a mentor that I respected and continue to respect. I mentioned I had a sales conversation with a prospective client but they were not ready so I let them go. She said,

“No no no, you can’t let the bodies go cold!”

I was horrified. That’s everything I don’t want to stand for and I would never put people in that position. And the truth is, you don’t have to, but there is a fine line…


“Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down”

What it comes back to is our psychology.

We are hard-wired to belong and to fit in. Whenever we do something that takes us outside of that, we look to find the balance again.

Do you remember Weebles? “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down”

We are all like Weebles, if we try to make a change in any direction, we are hard-wired to come back to centre.


We are also hard-wired to belong.

Why is this? Going back 100,000 years we all lived in tribes and if you stood up to the leader or were different, there was a very real risk you could be outcast. That was a threat to your survival because if you met the sabre tooth tiger you were on your own, or if you ran out of food that was it.

We’re still working with 100,000 year old brains, so modern day situations can have the same effect. Anytime we want to make a big change, for example, lose weight, get a promotion, change jobs, move away or start a family, anything that is a change, means we are going to stand out.

People are going to notice us do something differently and that has the same impact as standing up to the leader of the tribe. So when you become more visible it triggers that same fear mechanism which leads to fight/ flight/ freeze.


This makes us do things that don’t make sense.

We don’t have a real threat to fight so it shows up as procrastination, picking fights with family, ambivalence. This is the fight/ flight/ freeze mechanism in action.

We sabotage the change we want to make, to keep us in homeostasis, like the Weebles.


What can we do?

It is important to know that people are hard-wired to return to the safe option. When you are looking to get an agreement with your prospective client on your connection call you can be aware of the feelings they may have.  

I tell my prospective clients when I’m speaking to them that this is going to happen. I say to them,

“You’re going to get off this call and talk yourself out of working with me. It’s natural, when that happens just notice it and say that’s what Lorraine said would happen.”


Sometimes this will also happen with retained clients. When your client is nearing the end of their current package they may tell you they can’t afford to continue working with you. There is a whole spectrum of arguments about whether money is a real objection or not, however most of us, if we truly want something, will find the money to do it.

It’s more a lack of belief in self that stops us from stepping up and investing in ourselves. It’s more a conversation that we’re having with our self saying

“I’m not worth it. I can’t do it. I’m going to be the one it doesn’t work for.”


There are three things I want to share with you in that situation:-


1. Start finding your 90% clients.

It happens a whole lot less with them.  (If you don’t know who your 90% client is, read this blog post…)


2. Reconnect people with their truth.

  • Why did they start working with you in the first place?
  • What was it they wanted to achieve?
  • How were they not doing that before they had your help?

Remind them that it’s in their DNA to revert backwards to where they were before.

Always do this with integrity. It’s not about manipulation or coercion, it’s not about pressure.

It’s about telling the truth.


3. Follow up with clients you have let go in the past.

If they said they needed a bit of a break then you can check in with them. Some of them might be ready to come back, however some may have gone back into their safe space.


I hope this inspires you to change the way you have conversations and to understand the reasons behind those high pressure sales conversations that appear to be missing the heart part of making a decision in the moment.

Remember it is the same for us, so when we are faced with the opportunity of stepping up and doing something different we are going to feel fear and experience the fight/ flight/ fear mechanism.

Bear that in mind when you’re ready to look for your next up level with your next coach, recognise the feelings and act NOW.


Mindset & Message Mastery will provide you with the tools to understand what is getting in your way, on your way to success. It will help you connect the dots to Confidence, Clarity and, most importantly, Clients.


Why the client you can help the most is not your ideal client

Why the client you can help the most is not your ideal client

Do you find yourself spending all your time on building mailing lists, working on your sales funnel, learning new software, posting on social media and designing the best website?

And then wonder where are my clients? What am I actually in business to do?

I know I did, until I took the time to revisit what was important to me in my business and I realised that it was working at the highest level to connect with and help my clients, especially my ideal clients.

“But who are my ideal clients?”

One of the most important things that I have learned since I turned my business on its head is that working at your highest level does not always mean helping those who need your help the most.

“Not helping those who need you most?”

Some of my best clients are those who I have done little actively for, because they are already 90% towards their transformation.

  • They are highly motivated
  • They are investing in themselves
  • They are incredibly connected to their vision

So I don’t need to do very much for them. The value of holding space for them is immense though.

Yet we have this conditioning that says for work to be valuable, it has to be hard – not true. I am there to guide these ‘90% clients’ and support them to complete their transformations. Many of them will come to me because I am known for turning everything on its head. Just like the way I transformed my own business.  They have gotten so far, but need my help with the vital 10%.

Be specific about the right clients for you

You can use all the right tools to build your online business, have the best mentors and follow the correct steps to grow your business but unless you are really living and investing in what you want to teach and share with others, there will be a disconnect. It is that disconnect which makes it harder for you to understand the specifics of who you need to work with to get that true transformation for them.

Once you realise this and you are able to truly live the way you want and have clarity in what is important for you in your business, then you will be able to work at your highest level. This will let you discover who your ideal clients are and how you can work with them to maximise their growth. Whilst this may be a mix of different clients, with different needs, your 90% clients can help support and build your business.

90% clients can help build your business

Not only are 90% clients easier for you to work with, they are more likely to be the clients you get the best results from and they will be the clients who will tell their friends and colleagues about you and the great work you are doing together.

Your 90% clients can really help with building a referral rich reputation as they will refer other great clients to you.


Performing at your highest level

So take the time to look inside yourself, realise where you are blocking yourself from performing at the highest level possible for you and make those changes – hint: you will likely find it at the edge of your resistance. Then you can be specific about who your 90% clients are and how best to find them.

Once you do that, you and your business will be transformed.


Mindset & Message Mastery will provide you with the tools to understand what is getting in your way, on your way to success. It will help you connect the dots to Confidence, Clarity and, most importantly, Clients.


4 Steps to staying on track

4 Steps to staying on track


As a coach the first thing I do with my new clients is to identify their goals.  After all, if we don’t know what we are working towards, how will we know when

a) we’ve reached it, or
b) we’re even on the right track?

Time and again I see people get sidetracked from their own goals into a world of marketing madness, which is really just the modern day equivalent of the wolf tempting Little Red Riding Hood off her path.  Ok, well maybe not, but it IS a distraction.

I’m pretty sure that most of you reading this are not passionate about working 90 hours a week to build funnels and websites, or understand the lingo of landing pages and FB pixels.  (And if you are, then I can connect you with some very clever people who can help you with that.)


It’s far more likely that you are passionate about making a living from making a difference.

So let’s get back to basics and set some goals that work for YOU, not just straying from the path to the next big thing in online marketing.

Because the truth is, that the people who are telling you about the next big thing, probably don’t have the same goals you do right now, so their drive and desire for the work involved are completely different.  

Now it’s beginning to make sense, right?

There are a few steps to setting goals that will keep you on track.


1. Values check-in.  

When did you last check in with what is most important to you?  Values are our moral compass, and exploring values is the first step to understanding the right goals for you.
Values and their priority change at different times in our life, so I encourage you to check in with them regularly.  You can use a tool like the Wheel of Life to check your values.


2. Creating the Vision. 

Now that you know what’s most important to you, you need to know what that value would look like at 100%.
This is where we can begin to see opportunities for goal setting.  For example, if Health is a priority value for you, then we can begin to set business goals that allow you to create more time and space for your health (I’ve been doing exactly that for this past year).
Similarly if wealth and security are high priority values, then there are goals we can set that satisfy those.  If contribution or impact are high priority values, then the goals might be different.

So you see why it is important to do that values work first?


3. Find the Resistance.

Now that you have your goals, let’s look at the smartest way to achieve them.  This is where it is enormously helpful to work with a coach.  At this point, we begin to get scared, and that’s no bad thing – if you know how to handle it.  When we want change, we trigger our internal and ancient safety instinct which wants to keep us safe at all costs.  And safe usually means staying where you are.  Pay attention to the resistance that you feel – this is your greatest opportunity for growth.

4. Chunk your goal into tiny tasks.  

The fastest way to trigger your fight/flight/freeze mechanism is by trying to do too much.
Chunk your goals into smaller blocks, and then chunk them into even smaller tasks until every step on the way to succeeding is small enough to not procrastinate over.
Did you know that procrastination and perfectionism are just moder
n day equivalents of fight/flight/freeze?
I start with a 5x5 plan: first I chunk my big goals into 5 smaller chunks, then I chunk those smaller goals into 5 tasks.  If the tasks are still large I will further chunk them down until they are manageable.


There you have it, 4 steps to staying on your own path.


The chances are that if you are spending all your time on social media and writing blogs, and that’s not clearly aligned with your priority values, that you need a different way to look at your business.  That’s why I created Mindset and Message Mastery.

Mindset & Message Mastery will provide you with the tools to understand what is getting in your way, on your way to success. It will help you connect the dots to Confidence, Clarity and, most importantly, Clients.