Cultivating Confidence Part 1

Cultivating Confidence Part 1

From time to time I ask my audience what it is that they’re struggling with the most and every single time they come back with the same answer.

Confidence, whether it’s confidence to start a business, confidence to go to the next level, confidence to ask for what they need in a relationship, confidence to succeed in a personal goal. It always comes back to confidence.

What is confidence?

I thought I would try and tackle what is actually a huge thing in this short blog. Confidence, for the purposes of this blog comes from a deep understanding of yourself, of ourselves. And I’m constantly amazed at how many of us have not had an opportunity to experience a real deep internal look at what’s most important to us as an individual and not part of a family unit or part of an organization or a part of some other group.

This is a process that I use with every single one of my clients. If you work with me then we go through this process, regardless of how self-aware you are or not. I’m going to walk you through it very quickly just to give you an idea of how you can tap into what’s really truly important and unique to you.

We are just a combination of lots of different experiences, lots of belief systems, lots of values and decisions and memories that we’ve made that have got us to the point that we are now and that can be difficult to unravel.

Just a moment in time

Before I walk you through this process I need to make you aware that this is just a snapshot in time. And what is most important to you right now maybe different to what was most important to you a few years ago and it may be different to what you find most important in the future. What I want you to be aware of is to get comfortable with maybe exploring this process regularly. Certainly if you have a big life-changing event then do it again but also just check in with it from time to time because things do evolve.

What is important to YOU?

I believe this is where our confidence starts from. It’s about knowing what’s most important to you, knowing those key core values that make you who you are. If I was to ask a roomful of people what their core values are they would tell me a whole load of really cool words.  They would say things like security and love and compassion and contribution and health and wealth, education, knowledge.

They would give me a whole lot of different words. But as I work through this process things will start to become a little bit more granular and distilled because a lot of those words that come straight off the top of our heads are things that we have been told are important. We’ve got a lifetime of being told what we should believe and what we should value. This is about laying all of that aside and actually going to a place where you can understand exactly what’s most important to you. 

What can you not live without?

Let’s get started. First and foremost what can you not live without? What physical things and people and places could you not live without? Because this is going to give us an insight into what’s most important to you. So have a think about that, what’s most important to you? What could you not live without? That’s a physical thing; a thing, a person or a place. 

Then the next part is think about what does that thing, person or place give you? What does it do for you? What do you get from it?  Maybe it’s your favorite place and it gives you peace or maybe it gives you a sense of adventure or maybe it gives you a challenge. Now we’re starting to look at those values type words, those words that elicit some sort of emotion or feeling and are not a physical thing. So not things like money – money gives you the ability to do things that you may find are connected to your core values. 


First of all we’re looking at what can you not live without. Next we’re looking at what does that thing person or place give you? Usually that’s where we stop, we’ve got a list of values words and we’re like yeah okay so these are the things that are most important to me. And in that room full of people, (because I do this on a regular basis in a group) I will have a number of people who have the same words. Lots of times you get love, you get health, you get security, you get belonging. Lots of times people will share common values but the next step in the process is to write your definition for what that word means to you.

Time to define YOUR values

Now is where things start to get interesting because I might have four or five people in a room with the same values word but I will bet you that their definition of that word is different.

The meaning of the words are actually your vision of that value and once you’ve done that, when you’re sitting looking at your values words that came from things that you can’t live without and your definition of those words, then you should be looking at a piece of paper that’s staring back at you and you can look at it and go yeah, that feels like me.



Know what is important to YOU

And that is the first step towards cultivating confidence. It’s knowing what’s most important to you and what that means to you. From that place it becomes your guiding light or your moral compass in anything that you want to do going forward.

From that place you can look at the goals that you’re setting, personal, professional and say okay, does that really fit with what’s most important to me?

I hope that’s been useful. When I when I work with clients through this process it’s far more in-depth and we take it much much deeper and further but this is the first step towards cultivating more confidence for you. 

Let me know how you get on with defining your value words and using them to set your goals.


And to find out more about working with Lorraine on a one-to-one basis, please click below.

The meaning of communication is the response you get

The meaning of communication is the response you get

Let me ask you, have you ever put a post out on Facebook or social media or sent an email or even had a conversation with a friend that just didn’t go according to plan and you got a really unexpected response? Has that ever happened to you?

It happens a lot with my clients and when I’m working with teens. You know, they will say one thing and then they get an unexpected response that causes them to have a bit of a reaction and it can lead to conflict.

So let me ask you, what does this statement mean to you?

“The meaning of communication is the response that you get.”

I’ll share what it means to me. It means that if we take responsibility for the response that we get from our communication, it puts us in a position of being able to change that response. If we just put out our communication and expect other people to be able to understand it and not take responsibility if they don’t, then we could end up in a bit of a stalemate.


The frustration of engineers

For years I was an engineer and then I was a manager of engineers. When you’re an engineer it can be frustrating when you’re trying to explain technical information in a simple way. My team used to get frustrated with me because I would send their emails back to them, telling them,

“You can’t assume that people have the same level of knowledge as you or that people are looking at this problem, at this situation, through the same lens that you are.”


And they would get frustrated and say but they are technical as well and should understand this stuff. But I sent the emails back to them over and over and said,

“You have to explain this simply so that when somebody reads it they’re not made to feel stupid. They’re not made to feel less than because they don’t understand the terminology that you’re using, then we will be able to move forward and be able to succeed in our common goals.”

Take responsibility for your communication

So if you take this same approach in your communication, by taking responsibility for the response that you get and then changing how you communicate, then you’ll find that your interactions will go a whole lot more smoothly.

Remember nobody likes to be made to feel like they don’t understand and nobody likes to be made to feel less than. Next time you’re going to post something on social media or send an email at work or have a conversation with a team member, just have a think about the meaning of your communication is the response that you get and that you’re in control of changing that communication.

Let me know how you get on.


And to find out more about working with Lorraine on a one-to-one basis, please click below.

Leaning in to build resilience

Leaning in to build resilience

Let me share a little theory I have about the power that we give emotions, particularly negative emotions, and why I think that might be.

This is inspired by the work of Brené Brown and she talks about leaning into the discomfort of a situation, and that inspired me into working with this theory of how we deal differently with what we determine to be positive emotions and negative emotions.

Types of Emotions

For the purposes of this demonstration, positive emotions are things like happiness or excitement or joy; and negative emotions would be shame or sadness or fear.

The Positive Emotion Curve

If we have a situation that triggers a positive emotion then this how the emotion happens. Let’s say it’s happiness.

So we have a starting point, so something triggers that happiness. We start to get happy, and that feeling grows. It doesn’t start off instantaneous. It actually grows. We get signals to our body that tells us to start acting as if we are happy and that feeling grows and grows and grows.

But it doesn’t grow exponentially, at some point it stops because otherwise we would explode with happiness.  

So at some point this curve starts to even out and then it will dissipate because we don’t stay happy all the time.


We don’t get one trigger and stay in that emotion all the time.


That’s generally the bell curve of a positive emotion.

What happens with Negative Emotions?

Where I think we start to run into trouble with negative emotions because we are taught from a very early age, from people who have the best of intentions, to avoid negative emotions.

If you think about when we were children, when we fell down and hurt ourselves, or if something happened to make us sad or afraid, then our well-meaning parents and caregivers told us to do something else, to distract ourselves, to cheer up because they don’t want to see us in pain. I don’t want to see my children in pain.

But what happens over time is that we never get to experience negative emotions so we become a bit afraid of them.

The Negative Emotion Avoidance

And this is where my theory is. Something happens that is going to trigger a negative emotion, we have the trigger, the process begins, and we notice that we have that negative emotion, but because we have all the conditioning from childhood that says avoid avoid avoid we distract ourselves and we do something else.

So we never have the experience of the fact that negative emotions also follow this curve.

Yes, they build and yes, it’s uncomfortable but they also will dissipate.

So we are so afraid of them that we run away, we never actually end up experiencing them.

Lean Into Negative Emotions, experience the Curve

And when you do experience the negative emotion curve, it’s incredibly empowering to know that you can survive.

You can survive leaning into the discomfort of negative emotions.

So try it, the next time that you are feeling sad, stick with it, lean into the discomfort of it and have the experience that you will survive and the next time that you experience negative emotions it won’t be so bad.


Let me know how you get on….


And to find out more about working with Lorraine on a one-to-one basis, please click below.

5 ways a coach helps you succeed

5 ways a coach helps you succeed

What are five ways a coach helps you to succeed?

I’m going to tell you five techniques and approaches that a coach uses. You can apply these to your own challenges and problems so that you can succeed better without a coach. Or you know what to expect when you hire one.  

So what are the five things that you can expect when you work with a coach.


1. What do you want to change?

First of all your coach is going to need to understand and really get to grips with what it is that you want to change, because coaching is all about changing.

“Moving you from where you are now to where you want to be.”

A description of coaching that I absolutely hate but it is true.

So the first thing that a coach is going to do is to understand what it is that you want to change.


2. Change your focus from problems to solutions

The second thing that your coach is going to do for you is help you to really shift that problem focus to a solution focus. Usually when we want to change something, we’re focused on the problem.  There is actually good reason for this that is backed by neuroscience. You see we are all predisposed to have a negative bias; it’s what keeps us safe, so if you think that maybe you can be a bit of a negative-nelly at times, relax, you’re doing exactly what you are designed to do!

A solution focus is also known as a goal focus and that’s why coaches are always working on goals.

So your coach will help move what you want to change from a problem to a goal or solution.


3. Core Values – You know this, right?

Now the third thing that your coach is going to do, which seems a little bit backwards, is that they’re going to give you an experience of understanding what your core values are.

You may think that you know what your core values are.

I have been doing this for 11 years, so believe me when I tell you that what you think your core values are and what they actually are, is more often different than you would expect.

There are reasons for this difference.

Basically we’re given our first set of core values by our parents, our teachers, our influencers and our peers. Then, as we get older and as we have our own life experiences, they start to change.

Often when it comes to the point where clients feel stuck enough to engage my services it means that there’s a bit of a values conflict going on.

So I will always give my clients an experience to find out what their core values are. This is important because that might have an impact on the fourth thing.

So before we get ahead of ourselves, number three is understand what your core values are.


4. Goal Alignment

So the fourth way a coach will help you success is to take your core values information and check in with the goal that we created in the second step.  

Let’s make sure that your goals are aligned with your core values, because once you’ve had that core values experience, sometimes the goals have to change so that they remain aligned with your values.


5. Progress and actions

The fifth thing that you can expect from your coach? Well that is progress. They will work with you to help design small manageable actions that are going to take you closer and closer to that values aligned goal.


So there you have it. Five things that your coach will help you with or that you can have a go at working on yourself.

  1. Understand the change you want to make.
  2. Shift it from a problem focus to a solution focus.
  3. Understand what’s most important to you.
  4. Check in with your values and make sure that your goal is aligned and then
  5. Design those actions that are going to move you towards that goal.


Let me know how you get on….


And to find out more about working with Lorraine on a one-to-one basis, please click below.

How to find the space in between

How to find the space in between


Let’s start by talking about all-or-nothing thinking, or maybe black and white thinking.

All-or-nothing thinking is where you believe there will be a catastrophe if something you do is not perfect or something doesn’t happen the way you want it to.

I don’t do all-or-nothing thinking…do I?

Every month I have the privilege of teaching at the Foundations of Healthy Living Retreat, a four day retreat for self-discovery and it’s one of my favorite things to do.

It’s very clear, every month, when I’m standing in a room full of ten new people that this idea of all-or-nothing thinking is extremely prevalent because these people come from all different backgrounds with all different levels of experience in personal development and almost all of them do all-or-nothing thinking.

All-or-nothing thinking is one of the most powerful and damaging cognitive distortions that I come up against.

So what is it?

All-or-nothing thinking is that if/then thinking, you know, IF this happens THEN that will happen or IF it doesn’t happen THEN that will happen.

Some examples might be :-

  • IF I don’t stick to my healthy eating regime THEN I am a complete failure or THEN I am fat, ugly, useless, worthless.
  • IF I don’t get report in on time THEN I’m going to get fired.
  • IF my launch doesn’t attract seventy new enrollments THEN it’s a complete failure.


It’s actually quite a quick movement from, “if I don’t do this small thing” to “I am worthless” which is ultimately where we end up. It can be incredibly damaging.

So if you see yourself in that kind of pattern of thinking whatever your if/then statements are, then you might be suffering from all-or-nothing thinking.

What can you do?

It’s not helpful to be stuck in either of the all or nothing camps.

What I do for the participants of the retreat and for my clients that I notice are stuck in this pattern of all-or-nothing thinking is help them to find the space in between.


How do you find the space in between something that is so concrete in your mind?

Well, I get them to scale and what I mean by that is, if one end of their all-or-nothing thinking, if the black end of their thinking is a zero on the scale then the other end of their thinking, the white end, is a ten on the scale that means that there is a lot of space in between.

So I get them to describe what 1 looks like, what 2 looks like, what 3 looks like, and so on.


So if you find yourself suffering from all or nothing thinking, or black and white thinking, then try and find the space in between by scaling. Take one end, make it zero, take the other end, make it 10 and describe what the steps look like in the space in between.


Mindset & Message Mastery will provide you with the tools to understand what is getting in your way, on your way to success. It will help you connect the dots to Confidence, Clarity and, most importantly, Clients.

Are you focusing on the right things?

Are you focusing on the right things?

Here’s an experiment for you. What I want you to do right here right now is to look around the room that you’re currently in or the space that you’re currently in and I want you to notice everything that you can that’s blue.

Do it right now. I want you to look around the room that you are in and notice as many things as you can that are blue.

How many red things did you see?


So what’s the point in this experiment?

Well the point of this experiment is that what you focus on expands.

What you focus on, you will find more of, so when you’re looking around the room and you’re looking for blue things, the blue things are going pop out at you and everything else will fade into the background.


Why is this important?

Well,  it’s really important if you are trying to achieve a goal because if you’re not focused on your goal then you can become distracted by all the other colors.

When you stay focused on your goal then you will pick up all the things that are going to help you to reach that ultimate eventuality.

It’s really cool to know this stuff.


Rocks in the road

I remember when I was learning to ride a motorcycle my instructor saying to me,

“Eyes up, look where you want to go. Eyes up, look where you want to go.”

That advice saved my life on a number of occasions. When you are learning to ride a motorcycle, every so often your eyes drift to that rock you see on the road and you start looking at the rock and you know what happens? You ride your motorcycle into the rock and then fall off your bike. Because you’re focused on the rock, you’re being drawn towards it. Target fixation.

But if you keep your eyes up and look where you want to go, you will just guide the bike around the obstacle and you’ll keep going on to your destination.

Now goals are exactly the same. When you stay focused on your goal then you will notice less the problems that you’re going to come up against and you start to elegantly find ways around those metaphorical boulders in your road.


So remember, what you focus on expands….


Are you focusing on the right things?


Mindset & Message Mastery will provide you with the tools to understand what is getting in your way, on your way to success. It will help you connect the dots to Confidence, Clarity and, most importantly, Clients.